Tempest Sonata

My name's Chris...


Currently residing in Manila (I treat this place my home since most of my valued friends are here)
I'm a Bachelor of Music, major in Piano student.
Studying at UST Conservatory of Music.

My dream: to reach or maybe to surpass the skills of my Piano Instructor: Dean Raul Sunico (search google)

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I feel miserable most of the time.. Maybe because of certain problems coming into my life like a chain.

Like for example, now I'm a 3rd year student and most of my classmates are lower years... why?


During my 1st year in college, year 2005, I shifted to Music from Medical technology on my second semester.

I couldn't take up my major subjects since there is an extension course that requires to be finished first.
And so, I came through my second semester as an irregular student then took summer classes.

During my summer days, I was asked to drop one of my major subjects I was enrolled in for there were only 2 or 3
of us enrolled on that course.

Then after, I got through the summer without any other problems....

My second year was worse... After 3 weeks of classes, I came along with lots of problems. I had no choice but to stop schooling
for the whole school year.

I was a rebel just until a few months ago. On these times, I stayed at the studio-type unit we were renting in Manila. During the period,
there was no Christmas, no birthday, no new year, no other celebrations,no nothing... Even lost my ps2 (lens problem.. so i sold it..)
My existence was almost denied by my parents, I had almost no support from them. The only few who could understand
me were some of my cousins and a few friends. I may just have been lucky to survive. Summer came, I was asked to go home.
(My hometown is Cabanatuan City. Even until now , I hardly go home since I don't like it there)

This year, I reentered school as a 3rd year student (I'm a third year student on the records).. At my first week.. I was asked to
drop a subject (Solfeggio- Note reading,singing and ear training). I can't sing. I keep having problems with my voice so I went to see a doctor.
They found a cyst in my larynx and needed to take it off.

The surgery is still to come... maybe a couple more months. I'm kinda excited though. My voice problems have been here for 5 years or so...

I had a different piano instructor during my 2nd semester on my 1st year in college.
She's quite popular in the conservatory. I guess, 70-80% of the students there hate her.

In her academic classes, she doesn't want to see anyone moving or doing anything than listening to
her or looking at the notebook, writing , etc... else, she'll scream at you.

I attended her Philippine Gov't class once. No one was allowed to talk. She just continuously talk and talk... and talk.
No one could even ask questions about the subject matter.

Same stuff happen during her classes....But... It's different when she's teaching the piano. She makes her students use the
neck stiffing, body aching position. She slaps her students' hands, pinches and screams at them while releasing her
evil saliva upon the skin of the unwary.

Once, there was a student attending her applied major (a one on one class... instrument). Fule just had her lunch and was picking
her teeth. The student accidentally pressed on the wrong key, so she immediately slapped her hand while leaving some picked
stuff from here mouth. (eww)

I was marked INC on my PGC subject because she said I was not attending her classes (I wasn't attending my applied major. Not Phil gov't)
I transfered to another Professor the next school year.

[Jun 27,2007]

Just earlier I went to see the doctor to know the results and effects of the medicine he asked me to take for a week.
It was just during that time when I knew that I have "sulcus vocalis" on the left part of the larynx.
Now I'm having two problems. That on the left and a cyst on the right.

***The term sulcus vocalis is used to describe a depression or groove in the surface of vocal fold mucosa that typically is found on the leading edge of the vibratory surface. Along the sulcus, the mucosal cover is scarred down to the underlying vocal ligament and therefore is tethered.***

The doctor said that if the cyst was going to be taken off, my voice will change but wouldn't still be normal. The big problem was the sulcus vocalis. He stated that it is very difficult to cure sulcus vocalis since it's a congenital disease (present since birth). Pity me...

There is little chance that my voice will become normal. *sigh*
The doctor also advised me to take another minor and forget about voice.

My course = music
My problem = my voice (can't sing...)
Contradicting factors...
My life = trash

Pure Heart FF-X [Aerith's Theme(FFVII)
translated to English

straight on this long, continuing road
there is surely something to believe in

like a traveler in the midst of the wind
I have my eyes on the northern sky

the passionate feelings that were beginning to vanish
once again sway in radiance in my chest

I don't want the tears to spill
as so not to lose to my weaker self

in eyes holding only an unadorned spirit
there are great, unseen wings

I open my arms while singing
to embrace the perpetuity of time
to be tied to life

straight on this long, continuing road
there is surely something to believe in

Sometimes... I wonder.... "How does it feel like when dying..?"... "What is it like when you're dead?"... All people come across these thoughts... It's normal,right?

I had several accidents which nearly led me to death. Why am I still alive?
Sometimes, I wonder if my life really has a purpose. All my life I have always been suffering...


I here are the incidents that I can still remembernot in chronological order)

Incident 1: The Waterfall
Back in High School, we had a camping in Gabaldon, Nueva Ecija. We had an activity. A hiking.
We hiked a couple of meters above a kilometer, our destination was the biggest waterfall in the area, it's also where the trail ends.
After the reaching the waterfalls, we were allowed to swim. Me and my friends tried to swim to the waterfall head-on just for fun.
Well, it seemed impossible to reach it head-on (duh?). So I swam on the side and went around it.
I held a small fragment on the rocky wall so that I could stay behind the waterfall without getting tired of floating.
I stayed there for a few minutes and then my hand slipped. My foot was pulled by the waterfall crushing into the water downwards..
So my whole body was pushed under the water by the heavy blows of the waterfall (of course there was no pain during that time... I was not hit directly). Luckily there were no big rocks near it that I may hit.
As I surfaced, they saw me pale....

The next day, news spread that someone died on that area. Killed by the waterfall.
So... why not me?

Incident 2: Escalator Stupidity
One day during my earlier highschool years, we were at the mall. We went to the 4th floor...When we finished what we had to do there. I was waiting near the escalator heading downwards. So, I leaned on the rubber rails (or whatever it's called). Because of too much friction, I was carried, sitting while holding the rails to keep my balanced, half-way down. If I wasn't able to grab on, I might have fell down 4 floors.

Incident 3: Rolling
When I was a kid (about 2 years old). I sat down on the chair near the cement stairs. I fell, rolling 12 steps downwards. I was lucky to only have my head bleeding. I was screaming for help while crying. It took several minutes before someone heard my cries and took me back up. (I don't know what happened next)


There were some more... or maybe a lot more incidents. I don't seem to remember some.

In the past two years of my college life, I seem to have been contented on the people around me (classmates and friends).
But this year...well, it's quite the lonely one. Most people I know there are third year students, I rarely see them.

In music, anyone can be irregular since people there have the freedom to choose the subject along with the schedules--
Which means, I rarely see and get along with my friends. Most of my classmates right now are freshmen [2 sections] and
sophomores[2 sections].

The problem is, I don't seem to like most freshmen in music this school year. Most guys there are so awkward and arrogant.
Some even look like addicts. It seems that they only enrolled in music just to get into UST, then shift to another course... they suck.
It's easy to get into music--most people abuse that fact.

I can still look at the good side, though. I still have a friend from the sophomores.

Earlier around lunch 2 days ago, I went to SM San Lazaro to get my phone fixed. None of the mobile phone dealers have any technician to fix it.
Rode the taxi home (I was lazy...). It was raining hard. I dropped off near UST... then got soaked up. My clothes were all wet.
Even my phone got quite wet. After I got home, I checked my phone... I saw signal bars along with the 3g icon! It was fixed.
So, I got back on the net after resting for the day.... and unfortunately, I can't think of writing anything else besides this right now.

Sometimes, I think of myself as someone full of hatred.
I am full of hatred...
I hate my life [Ich hasse mein leben]...
I hate how this country and its people goes...
[people depending everything on the government and not striving...
government being corruptly full of assheads and lawyers...
(i should keep my mouth shut)]
I hate those shitty robbers and thieves...
I hate most motorcyclists [most of 'em are rude, especially on the streets]

Above everything else, I hate my parents so--------much!

My mom's a fake/plastic/backstabber and hates everyone who has lesser money than her.She's crazy for money
and loves shopping for herself. She's very selfish.
She thinks of employees or workers as slaves, household helpers/maids as garbage. She thinks she's perfect and
doesn't make any mistake [especially in raising me]. She's a nagger and hates my course so much. The only courses
she think is good or worthy are business, medicine, especially nursing because she's a nurse. In fact, all of sisters are nurses!
Because I hate her, she thinks I'm a retard!
My dad's crazy. Also like my mother, thinks he's near perfect. He only accepts his mistakes he sees/knows but
denies what everyone else sees in him. He likes saying "common sense","di ka marunong mag-isip" and "magtiis ka/kayo".
He doesn't care if his siblings are suffering/not able to concentrate in studies/whatever just to save P500-2500 a month!
He's also a nagger. He nags what he gives. He also takes things back. He loves basing things on books[fiction books...]. My uncle said
"this is reality. not everything the books says is true."
They always see me as the wrong one. They even took my sister's fault as my own! They don't treat us equally. They bought
my brother and my sister a new phone, but when I asked to get me one for my birthday, they said "wala kaming pera".
The last time they bought me a phone was two and a half years ago, and they got it from the pawnshop... a useless amazing phone.
They gave me a MOTORAZRv3x, which they have been using for almost 2 years 3 months ago, because my brother [a favorite] told
them to give it to me instead of him...

I'm thinking of running away... but right now, I don't have any income or savings. Even if I work in this country, I might not be able
to support myself. I need more training and some more advices from my professors to know if I am already fit to teach piano...
Someone's offering me P350-400/hr in Megamall...

Damn... In this world, equality never existed right from the start.

It's raining
quite a cold day this is
It may have flooded the streets outside,
or sunk many cities or lands,
but inside this room,
I feel a gentle, nice breeze from the fan...

Quite a day...
gets me emotional all over.
I love the rain
provided it does not sink my home.
Just yesterday
the rain fell and soaked me all over
I was irritated
not by the rain but by not bringing my shelter

O rain, O rain
just rain and rain, rain and rain,
it's pretty fine with me as long as its raining,
sink the world if you may,
i don't like it sunny,
it's hot and sweat makes me itchy.
just rain and rain, rain all day
sink the world if you may
because I love the rain!
I feel the gentle breeze of the wind when it's rainy!

Just about this evening, I was chatting with one of my ex-classmates, one of the people who I can call- A real friend.
I was telling her a bit of the stories about my life that happened in their long absence.

I guess I haven't seen them for more than a year already. We're just in the same university but the conflict is time.
They're quite busy, intoxicated by their heavy studies as medical technology students.



As we were talking, I told her, "Had your dinner?"

"No." she said

"Come, let's have dinner together, I'll swim along the dapitan flood and pick you there. lol"

"They might not allow me." she replied.

"I'm kidding." I said. Then she laughed.

"By the way, just wanna say ... I miss all of you there at the section."

"Same here. We're missing you, too" she replied.

"I thought you would just ignore me again. Ha ha." I said in a humorous way.

"Sorry, I was just very busy over the last couple of days.", she replied.

"Oh, I guess I'm getting quite paranoid." I paused. "because I don't want to lose any person who I consider important from my life."

I paused again.

"It's just, at times, I look at people as they're somewhat... sensitive. I mean, easy to get angry, mad , or whatever blah, blah, blah.
I just don't want to commit any mistake that may somewhat make any of my important friends leave...
I guess, it's just part of my philosophy that in life, you will only meet that type of person once, and when he's gone, he's gone forever...
no one can replace anyone. It's also rare to find a friend you can call true."

"That's true." she said.

"I had some friends back in my old province. But I had to leave them."

"How come?" she asked.

"When I met you guys, I realized that I don't need people like them anymore. They're just peers. They have no plans for their future.
most of them are full of vices. They're freaks."
"Almost all of 'em , maybe 97% of my batch in that particular school, took the course nursing for no valid reason. The others said that
it was because most of them are taking nursing so they'll just come along with them. Others said that they don't know what to take."

"Let them be." She replied.

"So I'm very thankful because I have great friends such as you, popoy, monching, monchang, and the others I haven't seen and talked to for a long time..."

I'm planning on visiting them soon. I'm trying to find a good timing. Maybe after the preliminary exams.

"Thanks" she said.

"I should be the one thanking and not getting thanked. ha, ha" I replied.

"It's nothing." she said, then followed by some farewell greetings since she needed to do heck 'a lot of homeworks.

Well... I miss them a lot. I guess they're the only positive thing that happened in my miserable life.

So much improvements in an entire month... so much stress... and so much rain for this week... ^^

I went to school this day at 10 and went home at 11.. We had an exam on biology, a MINOR subject...
our professor gave us a "long exam" as he was saying (It looks like a monthly test compared to medical students...)
The test took half of the lessons for the preliminary exams...(which means, the prelims will have the other half)...
which will be held... on... i don't know...

But before I entered the room, some students from the class before us called me. They were asking me to sign a petition
to change the professor (our original professor for that subject... disappeared... without letting us know the reason).

Yeah... I signed...

The exam was rather hard and long... 4 pages, with true or false (i hate this type), multiple choice(also this one), matching type(identification / fill in the blanks is better...), and a 5 point enumeration... Lots of undiscussed/unexplained items came out...

Anyways, I'm still "quite" confident that I'll pass the test... And I know it won't be anything like our one-and-only quiz...
(2 sections... only 1 passed........ of all people...me.lol.... with a grade of.... 50% lol)

When I got home after the test, I tried recording Minute Waltz by Chopin ... It didn't turn out like anything much... But it was
worth the try... I don't really know myself why I commit more errors when recording than playing by myself though....hehehe

Here's the recording

Minute Waltz

 

I'm quite happy right now, by the way

Earlier this morning, I went to school without knowing that we would not be having classes in our biology class.

When I was about to go home, a student from the higher years asked If my major was piano. I said yes, then he invited me to the Piano Lecture-Recital which was held in the Recital Hall-2B.

When I got there, I saw an old man sitting near the grand piano. His name was Reynaldo Reyes, a product of UST's Conservatory of Music .

I sat on a chair and waited for a few minutes. They locked the doors nearest to the middle when a few more people arrived. Then, he started.

He started off with an introduction about Alkan, a French controversial composer.

The name, Alkan, was the first name of a father, then taken as a last name by his sons after his death. They were a family of musicians. The said composer was a genius...though, he was not well-known. He entered the conservatory at the age of 6, then graduated at the age of 7 1/2. He was weird, that's why he was hated by many. His works were different from the other composers of his time, he composed about everything. At the age of 74. Even his death was controversial.

After the introduction about Alkan, he mentioned the pieces he was going to play. The 1st part was the 24 etudes. The 24th was a prayer. He said he didn't want to finish the piece with a prayer.

He played those 23 etudes for... maybe and hour. The 23rd etude, which name was Velocity (i think), was very fast. He played the 23 etudes astoundingly (like my eyes were going to pop. lol).

Part 2 was shorter. It was composed of 3 pieces... i think... Titles I remember were: Little Devils, and diabolic blahblah... He was great!

After playing those pieces, he talked about careers... He said that a single person should have a single career, and in that career, there are many divisions. Sticking to only one of the divisions would make you feel incomplete. For pianists, a career should be divided into: Playing solo, Playing accompaniment, Playing for children, Teaching, etc... He told that that we should fulfill the whole career to be happy. Once, someone asked him, "What are you?". He said, "I am everything."

He also mentioned that Alkan's compositions or even exercises weren't taught in any conservatory because an exercise might take a student a whole semester or even a year to learn it...

It was also mentioned in Wikipedia that only a few people can play and master one of his hardest piano solo compositions.

*sigh

I hope I can also be one of those people after a couple or several more years

A few years ago, my life was turned to ruins... Everything of me... taken... destroyed...
My dreams for my future...
A part of my ambitions...
A part of my freedom...
and a part of my self...

After those tragic chain of events... my perceptives changed...
I became depressed...
I started hating everything...
I hated my self...
Became miserable...
Envious...
I had unexplainable feelings...
I had no one....
I had nothing...

People can see me walking while staring at the empty vast regions of space...
I was empty...

For 2 years... I have kept these burdens to myself and only to myself...
Acting tough like nothing was happening..
No one knew except me... me alone...

Now, what could I call myself...?
Strong...?
Brave...?
Weak...?
A Coward...?

I'm still searching for the truth... and only the truth..
...
But the storm has passed...

I just bought the book by Bob Ong yesterday and finished reading it earlier. It was quite different from his other works, but I still find it great.